i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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