Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
