I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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