I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Randomize
