I accidentally had phone sex last night
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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