You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
