I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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