i can't believe i had my finger in that
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
