I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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