Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
