What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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