I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Randomize
