Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
