I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
