Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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