dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Randomize
