she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
two words: eviction party
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
