Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
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