hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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