I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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