If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
