I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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