If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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