you traded sex for a burrito?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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