Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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