I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
