I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
