my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
try to milk me bitch
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
