were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
