You can't motorboat a personality
I look better un-naked...
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
