This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
