I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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