You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
