Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Sext me about skeletons
Randomize
