That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
