Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
