She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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