Swine flu. Run for my life!
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
