I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
