I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
