Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
