i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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