God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
