Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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