hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
