I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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