I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
