My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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