her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
where does the pee come out of this thing
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
