I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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