I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
