I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
