apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
