You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
