I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
