Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize