proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize