he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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