what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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