wrigley field is MILF paradise
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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